WHOA THERE BUDDY!!!

Flashback to January 2008 – “This year I resolve to work out and eat right and be healthy and, and, and…” not so much.

Flashback to January 2009 - “This year I resolve to work out and eat right and be healthy and, and, and…” again, not so much.

Flashback to January 2010 – “This year I…”, you get the point.

Every year the same old thing, I tell myself I will get healthier, yet throughout the year I continue to inch ever closer to being in the Biggest Loser candidate pool. I am like Homer Simpson when he wants to work from home, but can’t do so until he reaches 300 lbs, then he figures out he can get that dipping bird thing to does his job for him and… crap, The Simpson’s always get me off on a tangent.

Anywho, This year has been no different, until now.

About 6 months ago or so, give or take a fiscal quarter, I started to experience some… uhhhh, symptoms… during my special alone time in the bathroom (don’t go there!). This has nothing to do with ED… No this has to do with the ‘ol #2. Well it started out with #2 now , but the symptoms have drastically increased in quality and quantity; plus I am freaking exhausted… all the time!

So I finally made an appointment to go see the good doctor… a big step indeed for me.

After documenting my rather unpleasant and slightly embarrassing symptoms and my protracted family history of cancer his face became a little more serious. He tells me he is “concerned” and wants to do a colonoscopy.
So at this point my brain goes into ludicrous speed… what if… what about my kids, my wife, my dog…

Then the good doc tells me to drop my drawers and puts a rubber glove on… my head is still kind of spinning at this point as he tries to tell me about some old guy who came in for a routine exam and it was when the doc was fresh out of med school and he found testicular cancer and saved this guys life and he was embarrassed to do the testicular exam, blah, blah, blah…

No big deal, I have had plenty of physicals, and having the doc manipulate my junk is the least of my worries at this point…

But then…

The good doc asks me to turn around as he is slathering his now seemingly gigantic digit with what is surely not Karo syrup…

Then BAM!

I may have been a wee bit tense and was bent over looking at my white Costco socks peaking up through my pants, but I am pretty certain he got a running start at me. Well, this certainly brought me back to the present, albeit unpleasantly. After some painfully awkward small talk, he is done with me…

as I am… gathering myself, he is telling me about how we need to schedule this and that and drink this, and the toilet, and whatnot…

So as I gingerly sat down in the truck it hits me again… and I freak out.
“WTF is that?!” is my initial response. Then my family enters my mind and I start crying like a little school girl who just had her Dolly’s head torn off by her sadistic older brother.

I hate not knowing, and the initial what if scared the crap out of me… no pun intended. Now that I have had about a week or so to process this information I am quite at ease. I am pretty sure there are logical non cancerous reasons for each of my symptoms – poor diet, not enough exercise, copious amounts of stress, not enough sleep… the list goes on. Not to mention that nearly all of my family history of cancer is environmental in nature.

So, this year I am giving myself the Valentines gift of a colonoscopy… maybe not the most romantic Valentines in history, but(t) man what a party!

I am hoping that I will quit hitting the snooze button on my health alarm clock and get my fat ass out of bed and take action. I’m pretty sure my kids and wife and even my dog would agree…

rm